Moving

I've spent the last three years blogging. I keep starting new blogs, for one reason or another, and then shutting them down because I don't have time to keep them up.

I'm a serial blogger.

I don't mean to be. I'm usually a very consistent person, and writing is hugely important to me. It's just that, well. I'm not writing.

My blogging is totally halfhearted. I have another baby coming, a kid in kindergarten, another kid who needs my attention, a husband, a house, a life. And my life has gotten very busy, so much so that I hardly blog.

I don't really feel the urge. I'd rather make jewelry or work on my novel.

Besides. I blog elsewhere. I've been cheating on this blog for a long time. Or, this has been my mistress and my other blog has been my marriage.

In 2006 when we moved to the DC area I started a mommyblog in order to document my babies and to keep out of state family and friends updated. And, I've had it since 2006. And I write there regularly. I love writing there. It's natural, and easy, and totally G-rated (which is SO not the easiest thing for me), and about my children. The most important thing in my life.

So, I'm shutting this one down.

If you're remotely interested in keeping up with me, please head over there. I'd love to keep up with most of you guys, as I read your blogs regularly and will continue to do so. It is a mommyblog, totally and absolutely, and will remain so. Most definitely.

It's just not a priority anymore to be blogging anonymously, and so I've thought extensively about this decision, and know it's best for me. So at least I can be good at keeping something going.

Thanks everyone. Much love and appreciation for your reading, your comments, and your support.

Hope to see you elsewhere!!

in which I reaffirm how boring I've gotten by talking about the Same Old Shit.

I won the mommy award yesterday.

When Sweetie girl got home from school yesterday she was in A Mood. And I chalked it up to kid pissiness, and spent most of our outside play time yelling at her because of her behavior. She was being a complete turd.

And then she started weeping (which is SO not like her), and I hugged her, and realized that she was burning up. Nice. I'm awesome.

And then Dude got nailed in the eye with a football, so he's got a black eye.

I'm rocking the fabulousness today.

****

Huz and I have not been getting along. Mostly because the poor man works so much he's exhausted all the time, and because he's never here for us to actually talk. So we store up all this stuff all week and then the weekend hits and we're in each other's space. And we bicker about stupid shit, which isn't like us at all.

I hate fighting with people. I don't have a problem with confrontation, and if it has to happen I can deal, but I really dislike fighting with those I love. I really despise fighting with Huz.

We're stressed. It's mostly money. We're okay month to month, but sometimes it is Oh So Tight. Like this week. I spent sixty bucks on groceries yesterday, the last of my money (literally, between the two of us our entire asset portfolio amounts to less than five dollars in cash and change) until he gets paid tomorrow. And I'll pay the bills that have to be paid, buy some food, and then we'll be pretty tight again until he gets paid in a few weeks.

It SUCKS. I'm 31. I'm way too old for this shit. We live in one of the more expensive metro areas of the country, and I'm thinking we can't really afford to live here.

I've been contemplating moving back to the Charlotte area. We lived there for 12 years, and although I will be the first in line to make fun of the South and Southerners (I'm from Jersey...give me a break), we know the area. We know a lot of people. It's CHEAP for houses.

But Huz HATES it there. Really, really hates it. I've approached the idea with him, and he shut me down so hard and fast my head is still spinning.

I just feel like our options are running out.

*sigh*

random life stuffs

Today was Dude's last day of preschool.

Not because preschool is over, but because we decided, in the interest of being able to feed our family on a regular basis, to pull him out.

I wept about it earlier this week. Typical mommy guilt wondering how I could be such a bad mother as to deprive my child of four-morning a week playtime with his friends. And then I realized that not being able to keep a roof over the child's head would probably cause more deprivation.

Especially when he told us Monday that he didn't want to go to school anymore.

He wants to stay home with mommy. Because apparently? I am more fun than preschool. His yearning to spend time with me has made this an easy transition, since we were able to let him think the whole not-going-to-preschool thing was his idea.

I still feel a little weepy about it. Mostly because I haven't slept in ten days and my preggo emotions are riding a tad close to the surface. But he's ridiculously happy to be able to stay home with me, so I'm gonna ride that happy train.

We're also trying to figure out what to do about the damn future. I feel like our lives are in limbo, knowing that we really can't afford to live in the DC area much longer unless our finances change, wondering if it's the best place for us.

We've been here since 2006. And we both LOVE it here. The last thing we want to do is relocate. But it's really pricey to live here, and Huz job can't really cover the cost of a 5 person family.

The rest of this school year should bring us to a decision. He's looking for a new job aggressively, and if that happens it would be awesome. But if not? Next summer may bring us to a new place.

It would just be really nice to go to sleep at night not thinking about how to make forty bucks stretch for five days.

in which I wonder

I used to be an amazing writer.

I could take any topic, and extrapolate to the point where my verbiage completely outshone that of the topic itself. I could take the most inane of topics, and turn it into a bright, sparkling tome of wit.

I used to work on my writing.

I also used to be smart, and introspective, and analytical.

Lately, not so much.

I've let my brain atrophy, significantly. Being at home with my children, while an amazing thing that I wouldn't trade for anything, has not been good for the continued growth of my brain. I've gotten so lost inside the insanity called parenting that parts of myself have fallen aside.

I miss those parts. I don't know if I'll be able to get them back, as I've made my choices. Choices that don't include a daily stimulation of my intelligence. Parenting is the hardest job I've ever taken, and I would never for a moment discount the smarts it takes to raise kids and not screw them up irrevocably.

But I miss being smart. I miss having people seek me out for the quality of information I can give to them, rather than my ability to approve or nix a popsicle break.

Being a stay at home mom is a choice I've made. I've tried being a working parent. I had a fabulous job on the Hill working for a group of lobbyists, rubbing shoulders with the kind of people that most of us only hear about on the news. I made a lot of money. I was involved in important political moments, and it was really, really cool. I adored my job.

I hated my boss. I hated dropping my kids to some random person for 12 hours a day, I hated commuting, and hated the fact that if I had a sick kid I was failing my job. So I gave notice, and decided to stay home with my babies.

I'd like to say I've never looked back, but that would be complete bullshit. I look back all the time. I wonder what could have been, and how things would be different had I continued on a career path.

I also wonder if I'd have actually finished one of my books by now. Because working, though my quality of life sucked, created a continual cycle of thinking and problem solving and imagining that I don't have right now. I used my brain, and I loved that.

Now? I have three unfinished novels, partial works of my mind that I'd like to finish, and maybe do something with, but wonder if I can. I wonder if it sucks, because most of the time?

I feel like I've lost my mind a little.

I'm thinking about going back to school, if for no other reason than to start using my poor, dilapidated mind again.

Who knows.

H1N1, nice to meet you.

So we've been at home since Saturday (last, not this) with H1N1.

It's been AWESOME.

Really. Being in a very small house with two young, whiny-inclined children who have fevers, coughs, body aches, headaches, and runny noses is something I think every person should go through. The waking up every two hours to see if your child has spiked a fever, so you can give her the intense joy of a lukewarm bath to bring it down. The absolute beauty of finding used tissues in every crevice of your living room furniture.

The coughing spasms that induce vomiting are my personal favorite.

Being IN A HOUSE, for SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT, with TWO SICK PEOPLE.

It's been so fabulous. The joy of spending all this high-quality time together makes my heart weep with gratitude. I mean, every mother yearns for this experience.

We hope, daily, for our kids to catch the flu so we can fulfill our potential as mothers and nurture our children back to good health.

I, for one, am grateful for this experience. Truly.

Without it, I would not now know the exact shade of vomit produced from ingesting five different Popsicle colors.

I would not have acquired the priceless kernel of knowledge that lends itself to truly understanding that too many Popsicles does, indeed, cause aqua colored diarrhea.

I would not now understand the capability of my son's whine volume to far exceed that of a coloratura soprano.

I would not have gained such deep and abiding love for the endless episodes of Tom and Jerry that can be found in the OnDemand channels.

I would not have realized that the concept of thirteen years in an educational institution was not created for the education and betterment of our young people, but rather as a tool for parents to continue in their ability to actually be parents.

H1N1, you have changed my life. For the better. Truly.

Without you, I would be nothing.

money, wedding, and other complaints

In March, we're adding another person to our family. Which is kind of pricey, not just in added lifetime expense but just the good old delivery and hospital stay.

In May, the lease on our really teeny tiny townhouse is up, and we're planning on moving someplace larger and more appropriate for our family. We've had the big house and yard, and aren't necessarily looking for that. The space we're in now is just too damned small for our family, never mind once baby bean starts moving her little self around. Plus, our neighborhood has gone ghetto. Not completely, but really downhill in the 18 months we've lived here.

So sometime in May or June we're moving.

And in June? My tenth wedding anniversary. Which Huz and I had planned to celebrate with a long weekend in Charleston while my inlaws watched the kids.

Except. My sister has decided to get married on June 5th.

IN JAMAICA.

And she wants me to be there.

And I want to be there. Very much.

But there is no way in hell we can do it. Baby expenses in March. Moving expenses in June. (No anniversary trip for us, new baby and all)

The last time she got married, she got married someplace other than where we lived, and we went. And we couldn't afford it, so we weren't able to pay the mortgage the following month. Stupidity of youth.

I want her to be happy, and she thinks this is the best thing.

But I feel kind of pissed about the whole thing. She says she understands, but I wish she'd have at least one wedding that I could go to without getting in debt.

I can't go to her wedding. Her friends will be there. But I won't, because I can't afford the plane ticket, and $250 a night per person (three night minimum!) for the resort. Because I have a family.

And having a family costs a shitload of money. My husband doesn't make that much money. Our monthly expenses are paid, and we have everything we need. My kids have more than enough. But we don't do vacations. We rarely eat out. We see one or two movies a year.

We don't travel.

And, because my sister insists on a destination wedding, I can't go.

So pissed about the whole thing.

So. We're having a.

In case anyone who reads this hasn't already heard the news via Facebook or family or friends or the sign my mother has posted on her front lawn by now....

We're having a little girl!

She looks great, healthy and beautiful and all the parts in all the right places. Perfect size for where I'm at in the pregnancy. Which is awesome.